Sometimes life feels like a lot.
I know those of you out there with multiple ticks on your posterity chart are probably (yet again) rolling your eyes at me at this point, thinking, “What does she know about a lot??”
Not much, it’s true.
But still. Sometimes life feels like a lot. And, then, sometimes we make life feel like a lot.
Recently I’ve been thinking about the latter. I think in my divinely appointed hormonal upheavals, I sometimes overwhelm myself with thoughts that serve no other purpose than to drag me down into the dregs of wallowing self-consumption:
Obsessing over inadequacies not yet conquered.
Mourning over blessings not yet received.
Brewing over frustrations not yet forgiven.
Sniffling over self-pity not yet set straight.
Boo. Hoo. It’s time to get over myself.
Yes. This is coming from the same mind that felt the surge of energy after completing a month-long project of expressing gratitude.
Yes. This is coming from the same heart that was overcome with humility for the blessings that were bestowed in the last decade.
Yes. This is coming from a soul in need of repentance.
It’s amazing how quickly we forget the ups and how intently we can focus on [or fabricate] the downs. I have proved to myself that the ups greatly outnumber the downs. And yet…
A wise biblical scholar once defined repentance as “a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world.”
I think that sometimes repentance feels like a lot. Like we’ve done some dastardly deed that needs retribution. (And such deeds do.)
But sometimes I think we make it feel like a lot. Like it’s heavier than it should be.
Today, I feel repentance like maybe I haven’t verbalized before. I feel it like a good laugh after a long cry. Like the smell of earth after a spring rain. Like a deep breath at the trail’s summit. Like a needed chat with an old friend. Like the smell of pancakes on Saturday morning.
I feel it like a cold heart melted by the blessings of a Divine Love.
Warmed, refreshed, renewed, hopeful and full of life.
3 comments:
Well put. I have cycled through this very experience over and over again. (I can't seem to learn the first time around). I suppose I am grateful for those moments in life when I stare long and hard at myself - knowing that repentance is the perfect antidote for my downtrodden soul.
I know exactly how you feel (or felt) that is what I went through last week. Probably one of the hardest weeks I have had in a long time. But by the end of the week one of the most spiritual and refreshing weeks as well.
I love this post. It's just what I've been thinking about lately, but put much better than I ever could! You're amazing. Funny how we can all experience the same thing, even a world away. Thanks!
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